HERE’S A BLOW-BY-BLOW ACCOUNT OF WHAT HAPPENED DURING ESPN’S BROADCAST OF THE HOME RUN DERBY.

5:04PM- PITBULL IS THE LEADER IN THE CLUBHOUSE AFTER THAT PERFORMANCE. WOW. WHAT AN ARTIST.

5:06PM- CHRIS BERMAN INTROS THE TEAMS WITHOUT GIVING A SINGLE NICKNAME. IF HE ISN’T DOING THAT, WHY THE FUCK IS HE HERE?

5:08PM- BERMAN JUST VERBALLY BLEW BRYCE HARPER.

5:09PM- LOUD CHEERS FROM THE METS FAITHFUL. PEOPLE OF NEW YORK ARE SO EXCITED TO WATCH GOOD BASEBALL.

5:10PM- LET’S WELCOME IN THE REST OF THE BROADCAST TEAM—NOMAR GARCIAPARRA, AND NOMAR GARCIAPARRA’S NOSE.

5:11PM- FUCK OFF, PEDRO GOMEZ.

5:11PM- PEDRO GOMEZ AWKWARDLY HITS ON BRYCE HARPER’S DAD.

5:12PM- I’M HERE TOO GUYS. CHRIS DAVIS SMELLS TERRIFIC.

5:13PM- BERMAN DISPLAYS HIS EXCELLENT KNOWLEDGE OF HOW MEASURMENTS WORK.

5:14PM- PRINCE FIELDER STEPS TO THE PLATE.

5:15PM- HOME RUN.

5:15PM- HOME RUN. CHRIS BERMAN MAKES HIS FIRST COMPLAINTS ABOUT HIS BACK.

5:16PM- HOME RUN.

5:17PM- THE KIDS IN THE OUTFIELD MAKE THEIR FIRST APPERANCE ON TV. EMBARRASSING PERFORMANCE BY THEM.

5:17PM- THE KIDS LET ANOTHER FLY BALL DROP. THIS PITCHER’S DEFENSE IS NOT HELPING HIM OUT WHATSOEVER. SOMETHING THEY’LL HAVE TO WORK ON THIS WEEK IN PRACTICE.

5:18PM- HOME RUN.

5:18PM- THEY THREW IT TO ME. YOU’RE WELCOME, AMERICA.

5:19PM- BERMAN MAKES HIS SECOND MENTION OF “JUNIOR GRIFFEY.” I’M SCRAMBLING TO FIGURE OUT WHO THE HOLY FUCK THAT IS.

5:19PM- ANOTHER DROPPED FLY BALL. THIS IS A TERRIBLE PERFORMANCE BY AN ALL-STAR TEAM.

5:20PM- HOME RUN WITH THE GOLD BALL.

5:21PM- PRINCE’S ROUND ENDS. 5 HOME RUNS.

5:22PM- MIKE TROUT CLOSE UP. <33333

5:23PM- HERE’S MICHAEL CUDDYER.

5:23PM- HOME RUN.

5:24PM- HOME RUN. BERMAN TOTALLY IGNORED BY DAVID WRIGHT AND NOMAR. TREMENDOUS WORK BY THOSE GUYS.

5:25PM- HOME RUN. MORE COMPLAINTS FROM BERMAN ABOUT HIS BACK.

5:26PM- HOME RUN.

5:26PM- HOME RUN.

5:27PM- HOME RUN.

5:28PM- HOME RUN. BERMAN DISPLAYS HIS TREMENDOUS KNOWLEDGE VIRGINIAN GEOGRAPHY.

5:28PM- CUDDYER’S ROUND IS OVER. 6 HOME RUNS.

5:35PM- NOT YASIEL PUIG STANDS IN.

5:36PM- HOME RUN. PUIG WOULD’VE HIT IT FARTHER.

5:36PM- HOME RUN.

5:36PM- HOME RUN.

5:37PM- HOME RUN.

5:37PM- I INTERVIEWED DAVID ORTIZ. HE’S SO FLUFFY!

5:38PM- HOME RUN.

5:38PM- HOME RUN. BERMAN WANTS A BALL TO HIT THE TRUCK SO BAD. CESPEDES HAS TO WIPE DOWN WITH AROLDIS CHAPMAN.

5:39PM- HOME RUN. DIDN’T EVEN GO 400 FEET. YASIEL PUIG IS BORED.

5:40PM- HOME RUN.

5:40PM- HOME RUN.

5:40PM- PEDRO GOMEZ JUST SPOKE ESPANOL. I’M PRETTY SURE HE’S TALKING SHIT ABOUT ME.

5:41PM- HOME RUN.

5:42PM- CASA RUN.

5:42PM- HOME RUN.

5:42PM- HOME RUN. THIS IS GETTING KIND OF ABSURD.

5:43PM- A KID CAUGHT THE FUCKING BALL. AMAZING. THAT’S THE MOST SPECTACULAR THING WE’LL SEE ALL NIGHT.

5:43PM- HOME RUN.

5:44PM- TWO CATCHES IN A ROW BY THE KIDS IN THE OUTFIELD. METS SCOUTS SCRAMBLING TO PUT CONTRACTS TOGETHER.

5:44PM- HOME RUN.

5:45PM- THE LITTLE KIDS IN THE OUTFIELD ARE BACK TO IRRELEVANCE.

5:45PM- HOME RUN AND A NICE CATCH BY THE BEARDED GENTLEMAN IN THE STANDS.

5:45PM- HOME RUN.

5:46PM- NOT YASIEL PUIG’S ROUND IS OVER. HOME RUN COUNT: 4 BILLION.

5:48PM- HERE’S PEDRO ALVAREZ NOW. HE PLAYS FOR…UH….JESUS I HAVE NO IDEA.

5:50PM- HOME RUN.

5:50PM- GETTING WORD THIS ALVAREZ GUY PLAYS FOR THE PIRATES, BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, WENT TO VANDY. WOOOOOOOOOOOOO COMMODORES!

5:51PM- HOME RUN.

5:52PM- HOME RUN.

5:52PM- THERE IS SO MUCH ESPANOL BEING SPOKEN. IF THEY EVER NEED SOMEONE TO SPEAK SWAHILI, THEY CAN THROW IT TO ME. I’M ON IT.

5:52PM- HOME RUN.

5:53PM- HOME RUN.

5:54PM- HOME RUN.

5:56PM- ALVAREZ’S ROUND COMES TO AN END. SIX HOME RUNS.

6:01PM- CHRIS DAVIS IS GOING TO HIT NOW.

6:02PM- HOME RUN.

6:03PM- HOME RUN.

6:03PM- HOME RUN.

6:03PM- HOME RUN.

6:03PM- HOME RUN. CHRIS DAVIS ISN’T EVEN HITTING THE BALL HARD. ALMOST LIKE HE HAS SOME KIND OF ASSISTANCE.

6:04PM- HOME RUN.

6:04PM- OH THERE’S ME AGAIN. I’M TRIPPING SO HARD THAT MAX SCHERZER HAS TWO DIFFERENT COLORED EYES. WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.

6:04PM- HOME RUN.

6:05PM- HOME RUN.

6:06PM- CHRIS DAVIS’S ROUND ENDS WITH EIGHT HOME RUNS. THE GUY DIDN’T EVEN PULL ALL OF HIS HOME RUNS. WHAT A LOSER.

6:08PM- PEDRO GOMEZ IS TALKING TO CRAIG KIMBREL. HAD NO IDEA KIMBREL SPOKE SPANISH.

6:09PM- BRYCE HARPER STANDS IN NOW THAT HIS PARENTS HAVE SIGNED HIS PERMISSION SLIP.

6:10PM- HOME RUN.

6:10PM- ESPN TALKING POINT REVEALED: RON HARPER IS ONE SEXY PIECE OF ASS.

6:11PM- HOME RUN. BERMAN REVEALS NEW HOME RUN CALL, “THIS IS DOWN THE LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE… OOOO MAN.”

6:12PM- I WAS GOING TO INTERVIEW SHANE VICTORINO, BUT INSTEAD, I TALKED ABOUT RON HARPER. CUZ TALKING POINTS.

6:12PM- HOME RUN.

6:13PM- BRYCE HARPER’S CLEATS. #TRIPPING.

6:13PM- HOME RUN.

6:14PM- HOME RUN, BRAH.

6:15PM- HOME RUN, DUDE.

6:16PM- HOME RUN. BRYCE HARPER’S BROTHER’S MUSTACHE IS AN ASTOUNDING WORK OF ART.

6:17PM- HOME RUN. THAT ONE FELL SHORT OF A DUNKIN DONUTS. THAT’S HOW ALL MY FRIDAY NIGHTS END.

6:18PM- THAT WAS A CLOWN ROUND, BRO. 8 HOMERS FOR HARPER.

6:25PM- ROBINSON CANO IS GOING TO HIT. IT’LL BE INTERESTING TO SEE HOW HE FARES WITHOUT AN 18 FOOT PORCH IN RIGHT FIELD.

6:26PM- SHOCKER. THE FIRST BALL CANO HITS FALLS SHORT OF THE RIGHT FIELD FENCE.

6:26PM- GUYS RUNNING PA SYSTEM AT CITI FIELD TROLL THE METS FAN IN ATTENDANCE.

6:27PM- HOME RUN.

6:27PM- HOME RUN ALONG WITH THE TREMENDOUS PRODUCT PLACEMENT. ALSO, BERMAN JUST SAID “GUZZLE IT.” TAKE FROM THAT WHAT YOU WILL.

6:28PM- I’M FUCKING WITH MARIANO RIVERA ASKING HIM ABOUT HITTING MECHANICS. HE HAS NO IDEA. GOD I’M FUNNY.

6:28PM- CANO FALLS JUST SHORT IN RIGHT FIELD AGAIN.

6:30PM- HOME RUN.

6:32PM- CANO FINISHES WITH FOUR HOME RUNS AND HIS TENTH OUT FELL SHY OF RIGHT FIELD. GOOD LORD THAT IS FUNNY.

6:34PM- DAVID WRIGHT AND ALL THE HANDSOME IN THE BALL PARK STAND IN FOR THE FINAL BATTER OF THE FIRST ROUND.

6:34PM- THE MOST ATTRACTIVE HOME RUN OF THE DERBY IS HIT.

6:35PM- HOME RUN.

6:36PM- CHRIS BERMAN CONTINUES TO MAKE HIS OBSESSION WITH THE TRUCKS IN CENTERFIELD KNOWN. ONE OF THE TRUCKS KNOCKED A HOME RUN DOWN, ACCORDING TO BERMAN.

6:37PM- HOME RUN.

6:37PM- WAIT. WTF. WHY DOES GOMEZ GET TO TALK TO MATT HARVEY?!

6:37PM- HOME RUN. HARVEY’S COMMENTARY OF THE HOME RUN WAS WAY BETTER THAN ANYTHING ELSE WE’VE HEARD TONIGHT.

6:38PM- HOME RUN.

6:38PM- “LET’S GO METS” CHANT STARTS. PER ELIAS- THAT’S THE FIRST ONE IN NEW YORK SINCE 1986.

6:40PM- DAVID WRIGHT AND ALL THE SEXY IN THE DERBY ARE ELIMINATED AS HE HITS FIVE HOME RUNS.

6:47PM- MICHAEL CUDDYER STARTS OFF THE SECOND ROUND WITH A HOME RUN.

6:47PM- HOME RUN.

6:48PM- THESE KIDS IN THE OUTFIELD ARE REALLY GOD DAMN TERRIBLE. THEY’VE LET SO MANY FLY BALLS DROP AND LET GROUND BALLS GET THROUGH/

6:49PM- HOME RUN ALMOST HITS THE TRUCK, NOMAR AND BERMAN BOTH HAD CHUB.

6:50PM- HOME RUN.

6:51PM- HOME RUN. BERMAN GIVES CUDDYER A BACKHANDED COMPLIMENT REGARDING THE MANLINESS, OR LACKTHEREOF, OF HIS HOME RUNS.

6:51PM- HOME RUN.

6:52PM- HOME RUN. BERMAN CUT OFF HIS ADVOCACY OF FIGHTING A DEADLY DISEASE TO ALERT THE TV AUDIENCE THAT THE BALL WAS, “GONE!”

6:52PM- HOME RUN. MIKE PIAZZA SAYS, “TOP HAND,” THUS PROVIDING MORE ACTUAL ANALYSIS THAN BERMAN WILL ALL EVENING.

6:53PM- CUDDYER’S ROUND ENDS. HE HAS 15 TOTAL. NOT BAD FOR THE GUY WHO HASN’T BEEN RELEVANT SINCE THE TWINS WERE LAST RELEVANT.

6:55PM- CHRIS DAVIS IS HITTING AND MIKE PIAZZA IMMEDIATELY STARTS DROOLING. MAKES VAGUELY SEXUAL COMMENT ABOUT CHRIS DAVIS’S FOREARMS.

6:55PM- HOME RUN. BERMAN COMPLAINING MORE ABOUT HIS BACK.

6:56PM- TWO KIDS SLIDE FOR GROUND BALL. NEITHER COME UP WITH IT. METS MAINTAINING INTEREST.

6:57PM- HOME RUN. IGNORED BY THE TV CREW WHO IS ENAMORED WITH MIKE PIAZZA.

6:57PM- HOME RUN.

6:58PM- HOME RUN. BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY THEY KICKED IT TO ME. I BREAK THE NEWS THAT CHRIS DAVIS WANTS TO HIT GOOD PITCHES. HARD-HITTING STUFF.

6:59PM- MIKE PIAZZA TRYING TO MAKE PLAYING FOR THE METS SOUND GLAMOROUS. GOOD COMEDIC STUFF HERE.

7:00PM- CHRIS DAVIS IS ELIMINATED, THROWING THE SCENT OFF THE STEROID TRAIL.

7:08PM- BRYCE HARPER STANDS IN. RON HARPER STILL DEALING.

7:09PM- HOME RUN.

7:09PM- HOME RUN. PRODUCT PLACEMENT EVERYWHERE BY BERMAN. WELL DONE, SWAMI.

7:10PM- HOME RUN.

7:10PM- HOME RUN, DAWG.

7:11PM- HOME RUN, BRO.

7:11PM- HARPER SAID FUCK! HARPER SAID FUCK! HARPER SAID FUCK! ESPN CUT THE SOUND ABOUT 3 SECONDS TOO LATE.

7:13PM- HOME RUN. BERMAN CLIMAXES.

7:14PM- HOME RUN, HOMIE.

7:14PM- BERMAN MAKES EVERYONE AWARE THAT HE STILL GOES TO THE DRY CLEANERS.

7:15PM- HOME RUN. BRYCE HARPER IS ON TO THE FINALS. RON HARPER IS BESIDE HIMSELF THAT HE COULDN’T GET HIS SON OUT.

7:17PM- NOT PUIG IS GOING TO HIT AGAIN.

7:18PM- HOME RUN.

7:20PM- NOT PUIG IS HAVING AN EXCEPTIONALLY BORING ROUND.

7:21PM- CASA RUN.

7:22PM- HOME RUN. NOT PUIG HAS BEEN DECENTLY IMPRESSIVE. BERMAN JUST CALLED HIM DEFECTIVE.

7:23PM- HOME RUN OFF THE TRUCK IN CENTERFIELD AND BERMAN AND NOMAR ABSOLUTELY LOSE IT. THEY’RE SO HAPPY.

7:24PM- ANOTHER HOME RUN CLINCHES IT FOR THE AMERICAN LEAGUE.

7:24PM- HOME RUN AND BERMAN UNLEASHES HIS TRI-STATE GEOGRAPHY KNOWLEDGE AND MAKES FUN OF A FAN THAT WAS EXCITED ABOUT CATCHING THE HOME RUN.

7:31PM- HARPER STARTS OFF THE FINALS. RON HARPER STILL THROWING THE KITCHEN SINK AT HIM.

7:32PM- HOME RUN AND BERMAN SPOUTS THAT HE CAN’T EAT AND TALK AT THE SAME TIME.

7:32PM- HOME RUN. HARPER PLANTS ONE IN THE THIRD DECK, BERMAN IGNORES IT DUE TO THE FOOD DISCUSSION GOING ON.

7:32PM- HOME RUN. BERMAN MAKES A MUSTARD PUN.

7:33PM- ADAM JONES HOPS ON AND IMMEDIATELY BRINGS SOME PERSONALITY TO THE BROADCAST SO THE CREW IMMEDIATELY KICKS HIM OF THE MIC.

7:34PM- TV CREW CUTTING THE MICS EVERY TIME HARPER MAKES AN OUT BECAUSE HE’S BUSY CUSSING UP A STORM.

7:34PM- HOME RUN.

7:35PM- BERMAN REALLY LIKES HARPER’S SPRAY CHART. NOMAR PREFERS CHRIS DAVIS’S SPRAY CHART.

7:35PM- HOME RUN, BRAH.

7:36PM- HOME RUN, BROSEPH.

7:37PM- PEDRO GOMEZ TALKING ABOUT HIS TIME TALKING TO RON HARPER. TALKING POINTS- COVERED. GOMEZ BREAKS THE NEWS THAT YOU HAVE TO WORK HARD TO BE A GOOD MAJOR LEAGUE PLAYER.

7:38PM- RON HARPER DRILLS BRYCE WITH A PITCH. NO INCIDENT, BUT BOTH DUGOUTS WARNED.

7:38PM- SO MANY SOLO HOME RUNS BEING HIT. INEXCUSABLE FROM MAJOR LEAGUE PLAYERS, THESE LINEUPS REALLY NEED TO GET IT TOGETHER.

7:39PM- HOME RUN. ANOTHER SOLO JOB. BORING.

7:40PM- HOME RUN. AND ANOTHER FOOD REFERENCE. BERMAN IS GETTING HUNGRY.

7:41PM- EIGHT HOME RUNS FOR HARPER IN THE FINALS. HIS FINAL OUT WENT THROUGH THE ENTIRE GROUP OF KIDS IN THE OUTFIELD. JUST AN EMBARRASSING OUTING FROM THEM DEFENSIVELY. THEY’RE REALLY GOING TO HAVE TO CLEAN IT UP.

7:48PM- NOT PUIG STANDS IN AND RIPS A HOME RUN.

7:49PM- HOME RUN. AND ANOTHER TRI-STATE GEOGRAPHY REFERENCE.

7:49PM- I’M ON AIR BREAKING NEWS THAT YOENIS CESPEDES WANTS TO WIN.

7:50PM- CASA RUN.

7:50PM- HOME RUN. MORE SOLO SHOTS THOUGH. IF THEY’D LEG OUT THEIR GROUND BALLS THEY’D SCORE MORE RUNS WITH THESE HOMERS.

7:51PM- HOME RUN.

7:52PM- HOME RUN TO THE SHORTEST PART OF THE YARD. HE DOESN’T HAVE THE FLAIR FOR EXCITEMENT LIKE PUIG.

7:53PM- HOME RUN. NOT PUIG IS REALLY PUTTING ON A SHOW AT THIS POINT.

7:54PM- HOME RUN. NOT PUIG NEEDS ONE MORE TO WIN IT ALL.

7:54PM- IT’S OVER. FUCKING FINALLY. YOENIS CESPEDES IS THE WINNER. SURELY THE ONLY THING OAKLAND WILL WIN ALL SEASON.