SPRING TRAINING IS ALMOST OVER SO THANK GOD WE CAN START TALKING ABOUT REAL BASEBALL SOON. NEXT TUESDAY, IN FACT. UNTIL THEN, HERE’S SOME QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS FROM THE ORACLE OF DRUGS.

https://twitter.com/JeffreyMoseley/status/316408950436282368

A: THIS MOVE MAKES PERFECT SENSE FOR THE YANKEES BECAUSE VERNON WELLS MEETS VIRTUALLY EVERY SINGLE CRITERIA FOR NEW YANKEES ACQUISITION. OLD? YES. OVERPAID? YES. WAY PAST HIS PRIME AND NOT VERY GOOD? ABSOLUTELY. I’M SURPRISED THIS DIDN’T HAPPEN SOONER.

A: IF YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT A PRISON JUMPSUIT, I WOULDN’T RULE THAT OUT.

A: THE OBVIOUS ANSWER IS ALL OF THEM. THE EVEN MORE OBVIOUS ANSWER IS THE ASTROS. BUT THE MOST OBVIOUS ANSWER IS THE YANKEES.

https://twitter.com/DaFakeMurphster/status/316409823929454592

A: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

A: I HEARD YOU CAN FIND DELMON YOUNG VIDEOS ON PORNHUB. BUT THAT WAS JUST A RUMOR.

A: 1. TORN ELBOW WHILST MILKING A COW. 2. BROKEN HAND FROM HIGH-FIVING MASTROIANNI. 3. INTERNAL BLEEDING FROM GETTING STUCK IN ONE OF THE TARGET FIELD PINE TREES, WHICH NO LONGER EXIST.

A: WELL, WE KNOW THAT THEY BOTH REACHED THEIR RESPECTIVE SIZES ARTIFICIALLY, ANYWAY.

A: ALL I SAW WAS “MIKE TROUT” AND “BAKED” AND I GOT SO EXCITED YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW. BUT TO ANSWER THE QUESTION, TROUT TASTES GOOD WITH BUTTER, TOO. THAT DOESN’T REALLY ANSWER YOUR QUESTION. I’M SORRY.

A: QUIT BASEBALL WRITING, MOVE TO EUROPE, TAKE A VOW OF SILENCE, AND BECOME A PRIEST.

https://twitter.com/MarlinsFanProbz/status/316413217557590016

A: I TAKE IT BACK. THE MARLINS NEED YUNI NOW MORE THAN EVER.

A: BECAUSE I’M BUSY TRYING TO GET SCOOPS. LIKE THE WAINWRIGHT EXTENSION NEWS THAT KEN ROSENTHAL BEAT ME TO BECAUSE I WAS WRITING THIS SHIT.

A: CAREFUL THERE. PHIL HUMBER THREW A PERFECT GAME, WHICH AUTOMATICALLY MAKES HIM GOOD.

https://twitter.com/chrisdigiusto/status/316472608667357184

A: THE CARDINALS. SOMEHOW.

https://twitter.com/billmartin/status/316556766387249152

A: THIS TOTALLY DEPENDS UPON THE CONTEXT. IF YOU’RE WEARING A MEN IN BLACK STYLE SUIT AND WALK AROUND WITHOUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE YOU’RE PROBABLY GOING TO END UP CLOSER TO THE SERIAL KILLER VIBE. BY THE WAY, YOU EVER NOTICE HOW FAST THOSE TRANSITION DURING THE COMMERCIAL? THAT DOESN’T HAPPEN IN NATURE. WE SHOULD FILE A CLASS-ACTION LAWSUIT.

https://twitter.com/slevingarfinkel/status/316599428356136960

A: I ASK MYSELF THIS QUESTION EVERY MORNING IN THE BATHROOM.

A: I MAKE IT RAIN UP IN THIS BITCH

I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING ANYMORE. GODDAMMIT ROSENTHAL.